written by Azlan Said
Bila Anxiety Datang, Rasa Gelap, Alone dan Takut.....
HI Assalamualaikum semua, Admin doakan semoga semua dalam keadaan yang sihat walafiat. Admin juga doakan semoga kita semua di lindungi daripada anasir anasir jahat. Untuk post kali ni admin mahu kongsi pengalaman admin mengharungi ANXIETY yang sememang nya masih admin hadapi, masih admin lalui dari masa ke semasa. Kadang anxiety tu datang tanpa di undang, memang pun tidak di undang hehe, kadang admin tengah scroll tiktok pastu tiba tiba anxiety datang, kadang masa memandu,masa tengah tidor, masa mandi atau anytime pun boleh datang tu anxiety, kalau dalam otak admin ada fikir benda benda yang boleh trigger admin punya anxiety on the spot terus attack tu.
Tapi sebelum admin bebel lagi jauh pasal anxiety ni, rasa nya admin perlu terangkan dulu apa ke benda nya anxiety ni. sebab mungkin banyak yang tidak tahu pasal isu ni, atau masih banyak yang tidak terdedah kepada isu ni. So Anxiety ni sebutan dalam bahasa inggeris kalau bahasa melayu bagi admin boleh lah di ertikan sebagai perasaan cemas, takut , seram, fobia any feeling yang buat korang rasa takut. tapi sebelum admin pergi jauh lagi admin bukan lah pakar dalam hal ni, bukan lah juga officialy kena establish from doctor or from health consultant or anything, this is just me describing myself on this issue based on my reading about anxiety and it match the situation yang admin lalui dalam kehidupan admin.
So safe to say that, this post is all about my experience handling mild anxiety yang admin lalui and maybe this experience yang admin lalui pun korang ada lalui jugak. so with this post i would like to share what is exactly i feel and lalui everytime anxiety attack. so macam admin cakap tadi, admin akan di serang anxiety ni tidak kira di mana dan bila, bila dia datang on the spot admin punya mood will change drasticallly and ussualy it will take about 10 minute for me to calm myself down and get my sanity back. Historicly how this all started, i think this all take place during the passed of my younger brother, when i wass in middle school. Masa tu admin form 5 , secara mengejut adik bongsu admin meninggal dunia masa tu admin di asrama and i still remember when this happen, everything went dark, admin crying nonestop and banyak sesalan yang admin cannot descrive how to handle inside me. Admin question everything anything about myself how i wish can do this do that while my late brother still there…betul lah orang cakap bila orang sudah tiada then masa tu lah baru kita sedar what you have lost. Walaupun masa tu admin masih lagi not mature enough dari pemikiran tapi itu lah yang haunted me along the way till this day.
After the passed of my brother, sedikit demi sedikit it torn myself inside without i realizing it. Masa tu admin start rasa everything went dark whenever admin alone, i keep thinking about dead, i keep thinking about i will be pass away anytime soon. I keep thinking about ok my time is near, who going to remember me? who going to come visit me when im gone?..all that thought haunted me.Bila admin nampak berita di tv, di news paper about someone pass away rasa takut tu menyelubungi badan admin in the blink of my eyes. contoh dalam fikiran admin ok this going to be my last conversation with my family, this going to be my last clothes that i wear or anything, it haunted me sampai admin dont wanna do anything yang buat admin fikir ok this is my last thing to do before die. perasaan tu sangat menghantui admin sampai admin mengigil, kadang menangis sebab rasa sangat takut.
And guess what i’ve been dealing with that almost 25 years, the depression yang admin hadapi tu sangat lah effect who i become today. Even today pun admin still consider suffer from this kind of depression. Bayangkan have to deal with this for 25 years of your life, but amazingly i manage to get through it walaupun tidak lah 100% hilang. Admin banyak buat research about this on how to deal with depression, sebab admin mau elakan untuk jumpa doctor and getting medication for this so called mental illness, admin elakan lah sampai perlu ambil medication. From the research admin buat myself, you need to be open about this illness, in the other words find a group of maybe 1 or 2 friends you can trust and you share the thing that you scared the most with them. SHARING is the key, be open about it, release all your fear through words and let your friends listen to what you have to say about what you suffering from . Admin exactly do that and alhamdulilah admin get through all of it not 100% but at least it less the burden. No 2 make your faith strong, close yourself to god, reading al quran, praying and doa everything will be ease for you. And believe that every human being will be dead someday and itu rahsia allah and terima segala nya, insyallah the burden of depression also be less. Admin practise this 2 alhamdulilah in 25 years i still here and manage to fight it.
fuh that’s how this all started for me, crazy kan. and the more crazy part is admin masih mengharungi depression ni and now it turn into anxiety. or i dont know admin tak pasti sama ada depression atau anxiety ni sama atau different atau this 2 things relate to each other. Apa yang admin faham the depression yang admin get through will trigger the anxiety and when this 2 combine the bomb will explode. Sangat menakutkan and the anxiety attack is also growing or mutating (thats how admin describe it haha) because the attack is coming through different phase of my life. the attack is moving along with my life for example recently i have sleep problem where i really cant sleep at night, and the anxiety successfully change into sleep attack. haha this is how i describe it, dont refer this to a doctor haha. But seriously what i mean is previously i never have this kind of anxiety attack esp when i Was laying down on my bed sleeping. Bila the attack datang i will suddenly woke up and find myself hard to breath, its like im choking and my heart beat is faster like i just sprint for 100m, im sweating and shivering and scared at the same time. WHAT is that? do you think thats fun?..no okey bayang kan admin to deal with that, lagi teruk kalau admin masa tu sorang sorang di rumah, just like that it will make it worst sebab who am i going to go for help?no one kan sebab admin alone.
Bukan itu saja, sometime tengah tengah admin scroll tiktok laughing at video that admin tengok and next scroll out of no where im shivering, feeling like choking or feeling something unussual with my body esp feeling something on my throat that make me hard to breath, walhal tiada apa apa pun…crazy kan how something that not real or not even there only your mind yang playing trick on you and end up you scared to death. ohh gosh i think i really need help haha…but offcuz how am i still surviving this?…when this happen focus on your mind this only in your head nothing going to happen, push that to your thought and ussualy it will follow me reading surah from al quran, rading ayat kursi or the 3 kul surah, it surely calm myself immidietlly, sometime shaytan and iblis also playing role on this, so like i said before no 2 strong your faith.
so basically itu lah anxiety yang admin lalui or i dont know this is what i have to deal sometime daily or sometime in a week it attack me once, admin not sure when exactly the attack coming. but ussually when my fear is trigger then it start to build up in my head and eventually it strike. so what do you guyz think? i think writing this post also one of the way to share your thought and ease your burden in the head. this is only my experience on handling my anxiety but if you think you still cant deal with your fear after doing the same thing i do here, i think dont hold yourself from getting help from the professional one, go to doctor get a medication if you have to. make an appointment for a theraphy or caunselling if you have to, because this can lead to mental health problem if you dont control it. save yourself from it and love yourself too. i really really hope this post somehow help you in a way or maybe i dont know ease something in your life, if you have anything that you want to share just find me from any social media that i have share in this post. Admin doakan semoga siapa siapa yang tengah mengharungi depression dan anxiety semoga kita semua berada dalam lindungan allah and insyallah everything will be just fine, so i will end this post here thanks for reading this and keep on fighting ya!!